DEAR CAROLINE: My husband says our marriage is failing over sex

My husband is blaming our failing marriage on the fact that we never have sex. However, he fails to see that I don’t want sex because he is so selfish in bed. I was young and inexperienced when we married and I never enjoyed our lovemaking, though I did like being close to my husband.

As I have got older (I’m in my early 40s) and more confident, I realise my husband has only ever been interested in his own pleasure. He just expects me to enjoy sex because it is what he wants. Around others, he is lively and fun, but at home he has no interest in doing anything together. We are drifting further apart and lead increasingly separate lives. He point blank refuses counselling.

Forgive my bluntness but I want you to hear this clearly: your husband is a bad lover and is blaming it on you. Does that help put this in perspective? A good lover (male or female) is someone who ‘makes love’ with the emphasis on the love part – ensuring that their partner has as much pleasure as they do themselves, not just physically but emotionally, too. You don’t say when this started but I would guess that, sadly, your marriage has been bad for a long time.